THE GOVERNMENT HAS SHUT DOWN. It’s pandemonium in streets! Without proper welfare checks filtering to North Minneapolis, those of us with jobs have had to battle a sea of thugs and armed children just to get our Starbucks in the morning. Disease is spreading faster than ever via over-sized capitalist deer ticks and sunblock with SPF ratings that are frankly so low, they themselves are a major threat to humanity. The governor has locked himself behind the thick cedar door of his office with a Costco tub of green crayons and is coloring scraps of paper into money and signing them as legal tender. We only know this because he slides them under the door every couple of hours. The artwork on them isn’t great and he seems to change formats on them every couple of days. In the meantime war has broken out in the urban areas and sightings of zombies have been reported. Louisiana Banks says, ” I think the ticks are carrying the plague, and they are attracted to banana boat…”  That fact is unconfirmed. Construction workers have had to halt construction of  protective barriers, because they can’t pay state inspectors to come give them a once over. Unemployment has nearly reached 100%, and the overall tone is relaxed. Finally we can get a few things done around the house. With foreclosures reaching record high’s the government promises to hire a special squad to kick us out of our homes once they are back in business. Banks are happy about this promise, they are eager to default the next wave.

Breaking News the Governor has decided to resubmit the same offer the republicans made to him before the shut down. The Genius Board is nominating him for a Nobel. Now they can try to fix things with a few more state sponsored women’s fishing days and promotional key chains and coffee mugs, while we squeeze those rich cigarette smokers for the rest of their pocket change to save the state… We should probably stop sponsoring anti-smoking campaigns?

There’s something about a chubby 17-year-old girl in black drab with an intense perfumed aroma calling me dear 4 times while I compare discount rack, long underwear shirts that creates awkward discomfort. It’s like she’s testing me. It is similar to when teenagers call their parents by their first names… like, “Hey Leon, pass the broccoli.” And they are talking to their dad and he makes a disappointed face. Or when someone is trying to get chummy with their boss and they try to slip in a, “Hey ‘Mikey’ hows the numbers looking this month?” Then the boss says, “Refer to me as Mr. Brokli Please!!” Then it’s really weird until the worker goes back to the break area and blends in with the rest of the people again.

Is this a version of a sales dick tease? Is it a psychological trick for me to associate this person with someone who cares for me? Is a complete stranger saying, “there ya go hun” when I’m standing around manikins all it takes in this world to gain a personal relationship? There are goddamn rules about this stuff! You don’t go on one date with a hot babe and start calling her sweetypoo. You gotta put time into these names. If you date a girl 1 to 8 times and try to say, “Goodbye Honey” you will be instantly dumped even if things were going swimmingly. She will say “oh gross” and then back off in a way that says she is uncertain of your next move and then turn and run when she gets kinda far from you. Then she will tell the whole girl community that you were creeping and you will go at least 16 months without sex. There are definite time rules regarding these names and pushy little sales gals can’t get around them.

On the other hand, they might have fallen in love with  you while they were helping. It happens. If she’s worth it, ask her for help in the underwear section or forget to latch the door on the dressing room and let it accidentally pop open at the perfect moment. If you don’t like them that much, write down the cologne you were wearing because it helped, and don’t buy anything…so they don’t get mixed signals.

In reality, if I went around work calling women dearie or sweetie all the time someone would eventually call me chauvinistic and I would get in trouble. Probably just a verbal, but still it would be awkward for all parties forever after. Like in the break room we would always have to look each other and think, “remember when I had to get you yelled at for calling me peaches…” I guarantee that would happen. So for men this could be a horrible mistake. Not to mention male sales guys can’t call people dear or sweetie, regardless of their orientation. So civil rights issue.

As a defense, when you start saying it back to them, you can see the offense building in their shiny, glittered little eyes. Those little bitches can dish it out, but they sure can’t take it. Get into a word war. If she says dear, you say baby. If she says hun, you say cheese tits. Just keep calling her a term that is one step further until you are at a level of cushy tush or just bluntly saying things randomly like boobs, private parts etc… See where it goes. Or you can ignore it.

KEITH MARLER sits in the break room between programs on a Monday morning sipping a cup of hot chocolate before THE BUZZ pre-show is about to begin. As he rests, enjoying the quiet solitude of a moments rest between shows, he hears what sounds like a door being kicked open in the hallway. He starts to stand, but pauses and sits back down when he hears the sharp, tappy and recognizable footsteps of JASON MATHESON heading toward the set.

Keith: (to himself) With the wind at my back…

Keith reaches into his shirt and rubs the Saint Jude pendant, (The Patron Saint of Lost Causes) which he wears on a leather cord around his neck.

Meanwhile in the studio Jason is now sitting in a directors chair holding a pair of pseudo-intellectual thick brimmed glasses. He carefully yet feverishly polishes the lenses and the shiny black frame with a white cloth he carries in his back pocket.

Lou (camera man): (In the background adjusting his camera) Always with this shining.

Jason: (snarls) These glasses are worth more than you make in a year Lou… (calms himself slightly) Don’t make me look pale again either, or you’ll find yourself taping reaction shots in the field… Can you dig it? …. Can you dig that Lou!!?? Lou… Louly…. (trailing off) Lou-zer…

Lou remains quiet and nods in acknowledgement while he keeps his eyes on his work, submitting to Jason’s demonstration of the Fox 9 hierarchy. Jason turns around and rubs the cloth down the side of the glasses one last time before he carefully folds it and places it back in his pocket.

Jason: (to himself) Who’s the big dog, who’s the big dog… you’re gall darn right its me. Owww owww owww. E.P. and Host ! bow down!

Lou Remains quiet in the background with an awkward and semi-terrified facial expression.

In the Control Room ALIX KENDALL talks to DAN the control room guy.

Alix: Can we work on a softer fade into commercial? It’s just a bit more theatrical.

In the background we can see Jason leaning towards Lou, barking and snapping his teeth.

Jason: (in the background of this scene) You want the bite? bitch?!

Dan: (to Alix) Anything you want, gadget my love.

Alix: Thanks my Monterey Dan!

Alix bends down and plants a kiss on Dan’s cheek. Dan smiles softly.

On the set Keith walks toward his weather predicting gear. He has one tiny drop of hot chocolate on his bright white shirt, that he has carefully hidden behind his tie.

Jason: (facetiously) Hey Marler… Is wardrobe late again?

Keith: Huh? You know I do that before my early show?

Jason: (calmly) Well it interests me that you would let yourself look like ahh, a, a, well a complete fucking slob.

Jason begins a high-pitched lunatic laugh that he abruptly cuts off by wiping his hand down his face.

Keith: (Holding back) What are you talking about Matheson?

Jason: Where do I start? How about that mole you’ve grown on your shirt! … This is a professional show goddamnit! Change it, now!

Keith: I’ll change it when I get done changing your diaper you pretentious fuck!

Jason: You promised you’d, … that was one time!… Goddamnit, Goddamn you!

Alix enters the set and jogs with urgency. Her heels CLICK CLACK as she runs. She heads straight for Keith.

Alix: No, no, no, no, no, no…

She reaches Keith and places her hands on his arms, which he now has spread out in the “What? You want some” position.

Alix: (cont.) Keith, you can control this. Lock it down. You’re better than this.

Jason: (from behind Alix) Yeah, just calm down Keith. Hey (directed at Alix) I don’t know what got into him. He’s just a monster sometimes. Calm down Keith…

Alix: Oh just can it! Both of you! Remember when we were all best friends. Lets get back to that.

Keith: (Breathing more slowly) Lets just do the show and get out of here. I don’t need to step into his (over pronounces) faaaairy tale land.’

Alix: Damnit fuck. Enough. Go to the weathering hole.

As the director gives the count down to the show. 10, 9, 8… Keith coughs and forcefully says something unrecognizable under the cough. Jason stands up.

Jason: That’s fucking it! Your fired.

Keith: Ha ha, on whose authority, the Charmin Baby?

Alix grabs Jason’s tie and pulls him back to a seated position. 4,3…

Alix: (Madly) Smile everyone!

Everyone gets some composure. The clipboard snaps closed. ACTION.

The beginning of the show goes well. It’s all smiles. Keith gives a perfect rendition of the fast talking hilarious Marler special. Jason stays level-headed and tells a few one offs. Alix is joyous that once again the fighting transformed into A.M. gold.

Jason: You will be on the edge of your chairs, like Keith over there, next week when we get a real treat. Zac Efron will visit us here on set for his new movie, Charlie St. Cloud.

Keith: Ha ha heh, not about St. Cloud, Minnesota though, ha ha ha. That one comes out next year.

Jason: You could slide back on that chair a little bit.

They all laugh lightly.

Keith: I know you threaten Lou to keep me barely on-screen when I’m on the sofa.

Alix: Oh boys, ha ha. Keith whats the weekend look like?

Keith: (snapping back to his on-air personality) Well it will be cloudy and grey on Saturday. Then Sunday ha ha well those clouds are gonna get wetter than Jason’s diaper at a 2009 Christmas party.

There is SILENCE. Everyone has a blank face for a second, knowing what will transcend. Then Keith presses his rain sound effect button. From off camera, Jason crashes through some monitors and half tackles Keith. The two struggle around, curse words fly all over the place and MA runs across the Buzz living room screaming.

Over on the Buzz Couch Alix goes bottoms up with a glass of Scotch and Lou pans out to show the whole debacle on camera. Dan enacts a softer theatrical fade out and the gang prepares for tomorrow.

Whoring yourself around for what little attention your bore can get you. A summation in the year of Facebook is as predictable as it is stomach emptying. Cold, twins, heat, illness, vacations, cabin weekends and runners. It never ceases to amaze me how much we love to hear ourselves talk and hope that everyone else thinks we are adorable, or at least cares about every hanging breathe we blow out of our cow barf snouts. General definition and commentary.

Facebook Illness: Comments that may or may not reflect a real illness. This is probably one of the cheapest ways I see people vy for replies in the Facebook world. Generally considered a sympathy move  to get in on the action. You can kindly respond with a wall post, “Oh no, feel better” or “Eat someone elses puke, no one cares”.

Minnesota Twins: If you haven’t seen the new stadium in person go on Facebook. Everyone and their dog has posted their experience at Target Field this year. People often feel the television coverage of the Twins isn’t good enough and add to it by taking pictures and publically posting them on Facebook. Except these are shitty pics all taken from one seat in the outfield (and also everyone sitting in that golden glove I am raising money to have removed). Many people also like to announce when they are going to the game. My experience was being behind a woman in line while waiting to get a beer. This women didn’t have enough money to pay for all the food she was trying to buy for her and her kid, so I paid the rest of her tab. I then lowered down to one knee and told the child his mom didn’t love him enough to get him more snacks later. You can kindly reply with, “OOO I’m so jealous, have fun blinky”. *Unrelated side note, fat poor people is the answer to its own question.

Seasons: If Sven Sundegaard standing on his little podium or “meteorological height correction device” isn’t cutting it for you, check Facebook. You may find a rival to the farmers almanac by reading everyone’s obvious comments about the weather. They usually appear as, “10 inches of snow!:)(” or “Spring is here!!!”. You can kindly reply with, “No really?” or “Holy shit, the rest of us didn’t notice”.

Study/Work: The process of basically posting ones work schedule on Facebook by making comments reflecting when you work, how long you’ve worked, when you get off and go back. This also applies to studying or anything someone generally is desperate for some merit over. I will pose this question, “If you brought your work schedule to a party would anyone care to read it?” The answer is no as long as you are generally a no one in the scheme of global fame… When you are on Facebook don’t reply to these sickos, they will probably take it as a “courting” move.

Weekends: Everyone loooooooves oh my gaawd! to tell the world what they are doing on their days off. Being the misanthrope that I am, I just don’t get it. Facebook is a scary place. It is this way because we all went through that phase where we said yes to every friend request and realized that some people who you used to know now are suffering some serious brainicainal malfunctions. Did you know that 3 in every 20 murders is a high school acquaintance Facebook stalking incident? Back to the point, umm? Oh yeah, no one cares. Unless you have been real world included, it’s not interesting.

Vacation: This may be the real reason for the 500 million Facebook members. We all want to see old friends and acquaintances in their swimsuits so we can gossip about who got fat and who got hot. This is by my evaluation of why we even have Facebook.

Working Out/Running: I apologize in advance, but it is so lame posting, before and after, workouts and jogs that your, “Heading to the gym”, “Ran 3 miles Yay”, “Just got done with a killer work out”. Unless you have a six-pack or breast implants and are posting the pics, no one cares. Sometimes people post this in an attempt to score a mate on the most basic of levels. So what they mean is, ” Hey I’m physically able to do a minimal amount of activity, I can probably reproduce.” Just know if any gender has to constantly update people on their work outs, they are probably lying and not working out at all.

Babies: Posting pictures of your baby isn’t bad. It’s all the sappy annoying comments everyone makes. ” I love my nephew more than I love sunrises” ? “Wall Post on 10 walls if you want to (insert weird unfamiliar disease).” You can always comment, “Your tetanus.”

Game Players: Facebook has these boring games. Farm ville, Mob Fights and some other weird stuff. As a gamer I highly recommend people who enjoy these get and original game boy with the link cord and buy Pokemon. These games are of horrible caliber. Plus when you look at how much time and effort some of these wieners are expending, it’s frightening. When you see someone racking stats, kindly post, “Get a fucking life.” “Thanks for inviting me into your barn…what does this mean?”

That’s the end for this year in Facebook. I’m certain I’ll keep Facebook for another year, just so I can tell Kate how stupid so and so has become etc… For the record, no one networks on Facebook, it won’t get you a job, Zuckerberg got extremely lucky on this one and no one really cares about you. Say cool stuff, so basically not about your life’s mundanities.

Ron’s Blog

Any/Date/Suffice

Wow!!! What an indiscriminate span of some time. Some of the most amazing moments of everyone’s lives came to fruition this time around. I’m not sure if it is customary in the span of one week, but lets just say that multiple families memories have been erased or tarnished, and we have finally figured out what real “lake people” are and why they are a dangerous sort. It is always quite amazing living through life’s domestic and mundane moments and posting them on my facebook wall. I was able to quit AA thanks to the reassurance I get from reading about everyone’s illnesses, hangovers and weekend excitements on that wonderful wall of news. We appreciate you all so much. Here are random babies.

The weekend began as normal with with several zero sugar Rock Stars and half a pack of Camels. We soon felt ready to hit the road and sing along with slut phase Miley. After that we wasted some money on generalities and reaffirmed to ourselves how we were better than homeless people; in not just some ways, but in every way.

It was a fine day when we arrived at Bill and Jenny’s for some Christmas in July. We witnessed a silent and not silent fight between Bill’s parents. At the dinner table, snide comments were made back in forth in this manner.

Blinky: How are the beans did they come out alright?

Sue: (under her breath) Always with the attention.

Blinky: What was that?

Sue: Oh nothing, I didn’t say anything.

Blinky: Fuck you Sue.

The only sound at the table, for approximately four minutes, was the sound of the five other diners plastic forks cutting steaks and moving from noodle salad to teeth.

Bill: You will be happy to hear Jenny finished her nursing class last week.

For roughly two minutes Blinky and Sue make competitive comments regarding who cares more. Ending with:

Sue: Well Blinky, she still has two more classes.

Blinky: I’m just saying it’s never too early to start applying…

Sue: Goddammit Blinky, just be happy for them.

No one else talked the rest of dinner, so I went to the bathroom and pooped to kill some time. While pooping I read a craft book that explained how to make loose dog hair into a sweater.

Later on we played an unfriendly game of dodge ball with their family and left when a window was broken on the garage. I hadn’t seen a 33 year old cry over something like that until now.

The car ride to Vanessa’s party was much more mundane, and her family was only home for a few moments once we arrived. That was a shame because I barely know them and feel awkward around them every time I reintroduce myself and and tell them where I grew up.  We were able to get the dogs toe nails clipped on Friday which is a godsend. We haven’t been happy with the demeanor of the old man we pay to cut Roofies nails, but we are left with few options for cosmetic dog care past midnight. The party was nice with 12 guests dancing to Dave Matthew’s played on the loud volume setting on Billy’s laptop. Billy is “really into” getting his guitar out and playing for the guests once his limited selection of music is over. He only knows three songs that have already been played on his computer and he stumbles through them while the rest of decide we want to stop drinking so we can drive out of this mess later. *Billy does this because one time a girl who told him she dug musicians promised him sex, but then left with another guy. Billy doesn’t give up.

As we left Vanessa and Billy’s 2nd cousins lake house we had to stop because the neighbors trailer was blocking the driveway. So as we stood out there in the drive and finished the other half of those camels, we talked and slapped mosquitoes. Through the window of the neighbors cabin we watched an old man sit in a chair and pick at one of his ears for a suspicious amount of time. We did this until he lifted a pistol off the table and checked the chamber. We then walked out of his view, because that is random and scary. Later we gave up and went back inside, to Vanessa and Billy’s surprise, to tell them we were waiting for a trailer to move and had just been waiting outside all this time. They both seemed really nervous and somehow already had the whole party cleaned up. Billy went next door to talk to the old man. We thought about his fate. We heard the old man yelling that he had been asleep for four hours and was mad about this blasphemy. He pulled his truck forward any way, but he didn’t put a shirt on to do it.

All in all I can say it was an amazing weekend and we are over joyed spending it with friends and loved ones.

same person

(Assembly Continued)

Reverend Robert Alden: …My friends and brothers I’m not sure if this is a farce, but I believe we have our first “Missing Persons” case in the new history of our old town. Now the good doctor has been known to be somewhat of a tricky man in his day, and loose with the assembly guidelines, so it’s hard to not consider that this could be a mistake on Hiram’s part. As much as he is needed and loved in the town, he cannot miss the month’s first Sunday morning assembly of Walnut Grove without the consequence. My great fear though, is that something more gravely honest may be the truth of the devil.

note: Many people have disappeared mysteriously from the town, but if it wasn’t addressed by Rev. Alden during the first sunday assembly, it meant that they have suffered the punishment or voluntarily separated from the community without notice.

Rule# 50: Any who break any aforementioned rule will suffer the punishment. The punishment will only be known to select members of the governing body and to those who suffer it.

*In the church people are sweating profusely into their long-sleeved shirts. The women all own braziers, but are not allowed to wear them to any official gathering that is mandated by the book of rules.

Rule # 41: All gatherings specifically described in this book must be attended, with the only exceptions being severe illness or (really bad) emergency.

Rule#43: Strict period clothing will be worn to all official gatherings.

(This rule observes that Braziers were not invented yet during the period in which the show took place, even though women on the show wore them)

(New Charles Ingalls is a complicated individual)

note: Many people privately break many of the rules of Walnut Grove Township. People are very careful not break rules publicly, or in a way that Charles Ingalls or a member of the governing body might catch wind of it.

So they all sat there in their sweaty makeshift church. The women had sweat lines under their breasts and the men had sweat everywhere else. In an unexplainable way they all truly believed that since one man had missed one assembly, that he was either dead, or some sort of Satan was at play in their community. They were sort of right on both counts.

Peter Lundstrom (standing/proclaiming) : We send out two groups, staggered. The first to search for him and the second to hunt him!

Edna Cohen: Rawwwr!

Many other variations of this suggestion were made, but Peter’s suggestion was the basic resolution they reached on this issue. The next issue they talked about was a way to shine the bell at the school to make it look prettier.

Day. Int. Dr. Baker’s Home.

SEARCH PARTY delicately rummages through the home of Dr. Hiram Baker. This part of the  SEARCH PARTY consists of three men. Jason  Carter and Luke Simms are between the ages of 17 and 20, and are designated to follow the command of Andy Garvey during this search. Andy Garvey is in his late 40′s, but still in excellent health. “Garvey” keeps a very clean salt and pepper beard that  juts out a from his chin. His hair is also salt and pepper, (heavier on the salt) and he wears it slicked back. He makes his own gel out of pine sap, paraffin wax and petroleum jelly.  He has icy blue eyes with dark black pupils. He always wears a green flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled back to show his oversized, hair covered forearms (this won’t come into play but he was born with facial hair, people were stunned) Garvey is also number 3 in the chain of command for the governing body. The three men start going through Baker’s things and are not finding much to indicate his whereabouts or a (really bad) emergency.

Jason Carter: Certainly no sign of him here. He’s dead somewhere, lets face it.

Luke Simms: Nahh, I heard a rumor that he’s been hanging out with Willie Oleson down on Willie’s south forty. Word has it they’ve been makin moonshine down there and bringin in women from the outside.

Jason Carter: No shit.

Luke Simms: Yeah I guess with those little concoctions doc Baker makes in his lab downstairs, coupled with the moonshine…hell I guess it doesn’t take much to bring in those tattooed airplane women from over in  Tracy.

Jason and Luke both look at each other as if they want in on Doc Baker’s rumored escapades.

Jason Carter: Shit, I haven’t been with a women in 28 months… since I was sworn in here.

From behind the boys there is a loud crash.

Andy Garvey: (angered) Hey!!! First off boys, there is no before here!!!

Rule #2: There is no before or after Walnut Grove Township.

Andy Garvey: (continued) We are here to search, not gossip! I have a half a mind to speak with Charles about what I just heard. That’s your only warning! (Calmer) This house is clear, it’s like the old coot just up and left yesterday. His calendar is only current to the 1st day in July.

A close up of Doc Baker’s calender shows each day in the month of June covered by a hand drawn happy face with X’d out eyes, to mark its expiration.

Jason Carter: Yes sir, we will move on to his gardens and green houses.

Ext. Gardens behind Doc Bakers Home. Day

While searching the elaborate gardens and greenhouses of Doc Baker the boys find all sorts of formulas for medicines and concoctions. They also find a secret batch of moonshine. They submit only the formulas to Garvey. Garvey knows they found the moonshine because he found it first, and left it to test the boys.

Rule#17: Consumption of mind altering substances is strictly prohibited.

-note: The “Select” members of the governing body have huge stash of booze that they never destroyed when they cleaned out the liquor store in Walnut Grove, while wearing Mickey Mouse masks and carrying flashlights 13 years ago.

Garvey: Alright boys, why don’t you take a stroll down to Willie’s house and see if your theory on the South forty holds any truth. I will take the Docs notes to the church and see if we can’t make any sense out of them.

Ext. Broken down tar road. Day

Hours later the HUNTING PARTY comes across Jason Carter and Luke Simms, both drunk as skunks, singing “Baby beluga in the deep blue sea” (arguing about how the song goes) on a crashed wagon halfway down the road to Willie’s South forty.

HUNTING PARTY consists of many of the “Select” governing body. The “Select” members are: Percival Dalton, Sterling Murdock, Mr. Lundstrom, Isaiah Edwards and Lars Hanson. They have also brought three younger towns folk: Carl Edwards, Johnny Johnson and Joe Kagan.

The older men in the HUNTING PARTY round-up Carter and Simms to be brought back to Charles Ingalls.  Carl, Johnny and Joe are sent to investigate Willie’s farmhouse. When the boys arrive at Willie’s farm-house they find it burnt down to its foundations and pieces of it scattered everywhere. In a hand crafted wooden chair in the front lawn they find what’s left of Willie positioned with a black x mason jar in his hand…

A full moon shines across a dark cornfield. In the distance we can see that something or someone is staggering though the rows of tall corn at a sloppy, yet urgent, pace. Heavy panting and the sound of corn slashing across our moving character can be heard. A point of view shot now shows corn leaves slashing across the screen as our character hurries through the dark field, stumbling through the rows. The gasping and sound of corn whipping across our character grows louder. Suddenly our character stops and the POV shot shows that our character is looking back, as if he is being chased. The night is silent except for a breeze passing across the field. The camera moves back to show a bearded, frightened, middle-aged man resembling an Amish farmer scanning behind him. His attire is a flannel shirt and black pants that are drenched in dew and spattered with dirt. He brings a half empty mason jar to his mouth and drinks from it. The letter X is painted in black on the jar. He takes a deep breath and turns. We return to the POV shot and as our character turns to continue forward, an extremely pale, naked and elderly looking man bursts violently through the corn row. The elderly man appears possessed with eyes that are so blood-shot, that blood is streaming from them. As the elderly man attacks through the leaves he emits a frightening hiss/scream and his blackened, pointy, rotting teeth can be seen. The view moves back to a long shot of the field. We can see the area where the attack is occurring and hear what sounds like a wild dog horrifically ripping at its prey. In the distance, a lone farm-house, that the flannel man was apparently running towards, is in the view. A very deep sound, similar to a low note being blasted through one of those white wrap around tubas, (seen in marching bands) overcomes everything else. More strands of fast movement can be seen developing in the field. The low booming tuba sound grows louder until the farm-house in the distance erupts in a huge fiery explosion.

Cut to:

Int. Walnut Grove Methodist Church. Day

BANG BANG BANG.

Close up of a judges gavel banging on a sound block.

Reverend Robert Alden: Order, order I will have order in this assembly! Our way of life…

Fade to:

A montage begins which will depict how these people came about their way of life.

13 years ago the United States, well the whole world (eventually) hit a breaking point when the global economy completely lopsided. Meaning that at a certain point, the balance of wealth became so uneven that the poor organized and decided to completely disregard the concept of currency. A movement ensued in which everyone was encouraged to continue with their job while the FTBS was implemented. The FTBS was an acronym for the Fair Trading and Bartering Society. This plan turned very violent very fast. It only took 4 days until the educated lower class people figured out where the mega rich were hiding/living and they completely looted them to nothing. One group destroyed every working computer in Montana, which didn’t take long.  The money looted from the rich was to be burned, except once the poor had it they couldn’t bring themselves to do it. Things continued in this way until eventually the country/world was a collection of different “ACTION groups” trying to fix this or abolish that. Two groups had the first miniwar over the contents on a freighter being shared. There is a lot more to the story, but eventually different groups learned the value of respecting each other and the U.S. became comprised of many different people of many different everythings having their own mini societies in which they could do or practice whatever style of life they wanted.

This leads us to one of our groups located in Walnut Grove, MN. This group was started by a man named Wade. Thats the only information available on his name. He was a Little House on the Prairie fanatic and started a group that would take all of the character names from the show and live in Walnut grove as if the television program was continuing in real life. He of course “called” the name of Charles Ingalls. To his great surprise there were thousands of other “Little House” fanatics out there, and he easily filled the roles of everyone on the show plus many more. When extras arrived they were sworn into the towns doctrine of rules.

Rule #1, I will adhere to all the rules of this doctrine and fulfill my role as member of this town with my life or exile as consequence.

Basically they knew they couldn’t have an exact replica of the show but they worked hard to have a much larger functioning society in which they watched at least one episode everyday. To compensate for the extra people they chose names that fit into one of the family names on the show, or they could choose to be a Sioux Indian. [Wade, I mean Charles, had them all on VHS and DVD]

This little society was quite successful and had few problems (compared to most) that they weren’t able to overcome with the moral lessons learned on the show, and the issues they did have could be solved by playing it by ear. They were a prosperous.

Cut to:

Int. Walnut Grove Methodist Church. Day

Reverend Robert Alden: We have much to ponder on this day. I understand with the doctor missing we really have to band together and try to stay healthy. A good lord and a book of messages will remedy that which with they call science….

PaRt TwO NexT

Please tell those smart-aleck scientists and those big drug companies to work on a cure for cancer instead, and quit ruining the lives of millions of women who have earned a rest. Thank you. — No Name in Abilene, Kan.

Dear Ab: You told ‘em, but don’t be surprised if nobody listens. While you may not be thrilled with your husband’s renewed interest in sex, let me assure you that a great many women are grateful for Viagra, and have written to say so.

WM: Don’t kid yourself Ab, your husband is obviously on the brink of leaving you after all these years. The sex panther pills are his way of trying to shoot some excitement back into the relationship and his life. If it wasn’t getting into your dusty pants, it could easily be the intro of, “Murder She Wrote” on replay in the windows media player or golf trips to prostitutes in Sin City. I’d also like to know, specifically!, what you mean by the word “rest” and exactly what you did to earn it. The opinion I am forming about you is this; Your husband after many years of a boring marriage wants to do something to feel young again. He is taking pills so that watering the bushes can mean more than the yard work he so cares about. You on the other hand look at the general living of your life as a taxing process which has earned you the right to die before you actually die. My advice to you is this, if you aren’t willing to pump some air into those tires and take the old bike for a ride on a rainy day you have to come up with something else to rejuvenate your marriage. I’ll give  you a few ideas, but ultimately you will need to make a trip to your local adult book store.

1) Take all of your prescriptions and his prescriptions, pour them into a bowl. Mix them up good and then repackage them into your daily pill boxes at random. Next, you will want to always take your medications with a shot of Irish whiskey and rejoin the shuffle board league at the country club.

2) Convince every sixth house in your community to install a golf green in their front yards and start a neighborhood golf course. Spend your time at the Lion’s club telling everyone that all the broken windows are from punk kids.

3) Try to conceive another child, this will easily fill your time and it will be fun.

The comment you made about scientist’s being smart aleck’s interests me, I suppose some might be. I’d also imagine that the one’s perfecting the formula for Viagra might be more smart alecky than the ones inventing the cure for cancer. I can imagine them sitting around the lab table cracking dry jokes about sex and incompetence, starting with things like why did the penis cross the road. Where as it’s nearly impossible imagining cancer scientists cracking that many jokes.

Dear Ann: You printed a letter from “Needs Help in Cape Cod,” whose daughter is a compulsive spender. I hope it’s not too late to respond. I sympathize with those parents, because their child sounds just like my husband.

“Trent” cannot resist buying things, whether or not he needs them or can afford them. This compulsion has landed him in plenty of hot water. Last year, he leased a car and then purchased another. He ended up making car and insurance payments for two cars when he could barely afford one.

So far, we’ve been fortunate.

We haven’t lost our home, nor has anything major been repossessed, but I know it could still happen. I realize my husband is a “spend-a-holic.” Another member of my family is an alcoholic, and I attend Al-Anon meetings regularly. As a result of what I have learned at those meetings, I no longer bail my husband out of his financial messes. When he asks me to sign for a loan or give him money, I politely refuse. And I have learned not to argue with him about his spending because it accomplishes nothing.

Tell those parents in Cape Cod to stop bailing their daughter out. I know it’s very difficult for them to see their child drowning and not try to “save” her, but the girl needs to learn responsibility. If her parents insist that she cut up her credit cards and get counseling for her spending addiction, it won’t be a permanent cure. She must want it for herself. I wish her luck. — Voice of Experience in Colorado

Dear V.O.E.: Thank you for sitting in my chair today. I could not have said it better. I hope those Cape Cod parents see your letter, and that their daughter is equal to the challenge.

WM: YO! V.O.E., I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ve seen this before. “Trent” and the chick in Cape Cod are totally doing it. Why do you think he needs that second car. It’s a gift to her. He did it to show her how miraculous of a compulsive spender he is. I wouldn’t be too alarmed about the money side of this either. The news keeps saying you gotta spend your way out of a recession. If he and his she keep at it this whole problem will work itself out. If I were you I’d just make a lot of ambiguous comments that might indicate you are on to the affair, just to keep everyone on edge. I also wouldn’t be surprised if this alcoholic family member is interfering with the repo guys right in your front lawn. The exciting thing about alco’s is their use of scare tactics. I can think of one good thank you gift, booze. I’d imagine he always tries to do and say really sweet things for people around the holidays to make up for all the voice mails he leaves that are riddled with curse words and laughing throughout the rest of the year. I had to look Al-anon. I thought it was an abbreviated form of AA and I was wondering if you were drunk when you wrote your letter. I found it was some sort of family support group though. These are probably wonderful ways to feel like your not alone. I would just be careful about them though as many functions of this sort breed more bad behavior. It runs on the idea that prisons make more criminals than they reform and sex-aholic meetings facilitate easy hook ups.

Take Care.

Ann Landers Letters borrowed from Creators Syndicate, Ann Landers Archive