JC Penny: True Hollywood Story

James Cash Penny grew up in the back country of Tennessee. His parents abandoned him when he was4 years old, leaving him to fend for himself in an old shack with nothing to fill his time except to repair an old whiskey still and bootleg terrible life ending bottles of booze down to the locals. James was able to build an immunity to his own brand of alcohol thanks to his boredom and iron will. He strongly opposed the war, but decided to support it with all his might when he realized the new military base was going to make him a fortune. As he grew to his teens, he lost interest in watching which people would die choking to death on their own vomit, and decided to take his mondo supply of cash and find a place to live in the big city of Memphis. Being the entrpenuer he was, he soon noticed how terrible everyone on earth was starting to look. His first (and only failed business) was buying sidewalk chalk and selling it to the many diverse gangs of the city. Through his endevours he did learn a great deal about gang fashion during the period. (Which was impeccable compared to the natives of the city) He applied for a real business license and was rejected due to his age of 15. James used the only logic he knew and held the chamber of commerce’s wife at ransom in his old shack until they would allow people of any age to buy a business license. He consequently forgot about her and she died an alcoholic in the forest. She lost her will to return home when each time she was twelve steps away from her endless supply of moonshine she fell to her knees and urinated herself in hot fear. James started the first JC Penneys in Memphis and was an instant millionaire. In those days many people were forced to roam the earth stark naked due to the lack of reasonably priced normal clothes. James in the next year opened up every JC Penny store that is around today. That is why you never see anyone building a new JC Penny, James was so smart he knew where they all should be, right away. The tradition of hiring dirty prostitutes to appear in the ads still is in effect to this day. It’s not bad to think the JC Penny bra models are dirty, they are dirty, more than the sickest mind could imagine. James was granted the honor of immortality by the inventor of the mini mall and still lives to this day at the Arizona Jeans company warehouse. He is now ironically allergic to clothing and sits nude for art classes daily, as a student (not a model).


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