Not long ago I decided to overpay for food at Houlihan’s in Maple Grove. I ordered their rougly $9 dollar Timbalook, or whatever name burger. When it arrived at the table they gave me one minuscule black cup of ketchup. While engaged in conversation and casually eating my french fries the ketchup was soon gone. I didn’t want to keep eating my fries or burger without ketchup. When I am overpaying and waiting for food, I expect to enjoy each bite more than I would have if I would have just made burgers at home (Which would taste better anyway). I asked for more ketchup and 8 minutes later I was allowed to continue my now cooling off meal with 1! more little black fucking cup (Which still wasn’t enough). I eat slightly more ketchup than the average person, but when I am paying restaurant prices for a burger and fries they should have all the fucking ketchup or ranch or whatever the hell I need to go with it. After I ran out of ketchup allotment two, I was put into a situation where I either had to get my waiter again or not enjoy my meal to its full potential. I got my waiter again. This time he brought me out three little black cups of ketchup. This was more than I needed and ketchup went to waste, which I think defeated half of the point of doing the shitty little cups. I also am a dipper and pourer. It is hard to pour the right amount of ketchup onto sandwiches when they are in those cups, it is hard to dip a sandwich into those cups (if I don’t feel like pouring) and it makes some what of a mess no matter how you go about using those little semen sample sized cups. It is dumb to have to waste my one napkin on my hands, from that. That napkin is for when I eat messy, and for belemics. I believe the second purpose for the little black cups is that short dicked and Himler loving managers and owners think it’s fancier. It’s the opposite of fancier. Whenever something makes peoples meal less enjoyable, it’s not fancy. I also don’t understand how it helps the ambiance. Open air, quick washed little cups filled from some big bag that sits out all day in the back is not better than a resealable bottle that the customer can use as he/she/it pleases. The other thing about those stupid little things is that there are some cheap ass restaurants that charge you money to refill those basterds. 75 cents for a mouth full of ranch? Sounds like something a prostitute would utter in the 1930’s, on a Wisconsin back road. That would have been a better bargain. The audacity of charging me for a condiment has rattled me long enough. Not to mention it makes it more difficult for the servers who have to waste their time running this crap to tables and make more unwanted appearances with the customers. Fuck you restaurants! Are you going to charge me more to have my burger well done next? Anything to make money, that’s why I have come up with a solution that says, “Fuck you restaurant, eat me ambiance and is convenient. I am going to start showing up to fancy wanna be restaurants with an economy sized bottle of ketchup, ranch and a kitchen towel in hand. If asked about it I will proudly declare, “I brought my own since this joint is too fancy to serve the customer’s needs, if anyone wants in on it feel free to borrow it (for free) (Cuz this shit is not a bank breaker)!” I promise to update this post with how this goes for me at my cheap ass local joints like Houlihan’s etc… I ask readers to report which restaurants have small dicked or nazi owners and comment with the restaurant names.