Price Cage

Since 1972 when a new revamped version of the Price is Right hit the airwaves, a sad and terrifying story was also born. Robert Barker started his show in an innocent and ambitious way. He was allowed almost full control of the program’s operations and had the wit and charm to draw in large daytime audiences with each show. As his confidence grew Bob started to feel unfulfilled and was developing an eery void in his soul. Barker lost his reborn virginity at the afterparty for Chinatown in 1974. Faye Dunaway did things that Barker had never dreamed of, which involved lots of drugs and being nude for his full two week break from taping. This sexual enlightenment unlocked a bloodthirsty, testosterone driven beast. The likes of which had never been seen. With Barker’s thirst for violence growing, he only became more charismatic on the air. Don Pardo, then announcer, started to fear Bob when he struck model Beatrice across the jaw, just out of the camera’s view, during a taping on July 4th. He called her a heathen and returned to character instantly. Audience members swore it was their imagination playing tricks on them. When Pardo approached Barker about the incident, Barker threatened to stab himself with an eighteen dollar kitchen knife set. In a sudden calming of his spirits Barker then declared that the models would be called Barker’s Beauties and would have to legally remove their last names from all record. The two models that refused, (names could not be found) both disapeared from the show and seemingly from the world. The rest complied out of fear. Barker invested thousands of dollars to build the Beauties a dorm style home in which they were not allowed to leave (aside from tapings and press appearances). He also wrote a code for them to follow, entitled, I Beauty. This code was 89 pages long and took away nearly all rights they posessed. Barker coaxed the Beauties signatures on I Beauty in a Haitian style style religious ceremony in which mysterious home grown herbs were administered to everyone, including Barker. Then, controlling an army of fear, Barker was able to amass millions of dollars through his show and other appearances. His reach went from the top of the rich circles of the world all the way to the prices of Gold Bond in small convenience stores. With everything in Hollywood playing out under Barker’s precise chess moves, he felt he had it all. He downgraded his badly abused Beauties to living in one concrete room with outdated furntiture that the show was unable sell. Barker then built what he dubbed The Perch, above the Beauties abode and lives there to this day. As his fame grew, his health did not. Decades of injecting adrenaline rendered Barker’s system unable to produce it or utilize it any longer. Barker knew he must find a replacement for his show. He also wrote his will which was specifically ordered only to be read by his successor. He knew he needed to find someone with his propensity for terror, and disregard for people’s feelings to replace him. While Barker was badly sick from consuming eight gallons of water from the Pacific Ocean his short wave radio began to play the song Cleveland Rocks. While the song was playing Barker found a number two pencil and began to frantically sketch a face. A face he had never seen before. When finished he handed it to his blood hound Persy and uttered in an unaudible voice in the language of Creole, FETCH. Percy bolted from the perch never to be seen again. Seven weeks later Drew Carey was named Host of The Price is Right. The spirit that had possessed Barker now left him in peace to enjoy his remaining years. Drew Carey allowed the Beauties to be released from their torture pit, but immediately became involved with an architect who designed county jails in Louisiana. Future’s are vague and uncertain, but Carey is inventing his own language and refusing to live anywhere but a rotating schedule of roadside motels around Sacramento. The audience size of the Price is Right has been downgraded while exercist experts around the world are gathering secretly in an attempt to prevent the rapture. Carey was denied his plea to change the name of the show to Immortal, at the promise to provide him with an unending supply of psuedo-intellectual eyeglasses. The Price is Right remains the longest running game show in TV (a square or rectangular picture box) history.


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