Old people are very different from all other people. They get extremely upset from small pointless things. They like to talk about how they are going to die soon (not for sympathy). They feel that since they are old, they are entitled to things first. They take offense to the fact that the world has changed, and they haven’t. They nap too much in the afternoons. They do mysterious things between 4:00am and 6:30am when the rest of the world sleeps. They develop the ability from dogs and cats, where they can sit in one place and stare off for hours without interuption. They are a complete mystery. Well they were. The uneasiness I was experiencing under the watchful, chilling glance of an old person was starting to get to me. I didn’t understand it, but I felt scared. I decided to start getting up at 4:00am and checking shit out. Armed with a wig and youthful mobility, I ventured into the dark world of the early morning. When left my bedroom I experienced a need to cook bacon and eggs, and eat half a grapefruit. I did this. I caught an old rerun of Minnesota Bound, and muttered to myself about Raven’s promiscuity. I looked at the clock and couldn’t read the small numbers. Assuming it was getting late, I got in my car and headed to the gas station. I bought a newspaper and chatted about corn prices with some of the locals. I left, feeling like I had formed a grudge against them. Back in my car, I drove slow and dangerously. I turned my radio on MPR, yet felt it to be controversial. At Walmart I asked for items by telling the sales kid the wrong names of them, and acted disapointed when they were not brought to me. I paid for everything with change. I noticed a Buick Regal with its windows completely tinted following me. I decided to make a sharp move by signalling left and turning right. It worked, the Regal was gone. The next morning similar things happened. The morning after that nothing happened. Then while napping in the afternoon I had a dream. In this dream the grim reaper told me to show up to city hall. I did this, and was banned from waking up early for the rest of my life by all the old people who worked there. I woke up early the next day anyway, as I reached for my alarm clock I heard the off button click. Someone had done it for me. I rubbed my eyes when I realized the lights were on already. Apparently amongst old people, there is a group that encompasses about half of their population. They used to love the world, before they realized it would all end. Now they are quite mean. They love their families and all that jazz, but hate anyone they don’t know. They consider the morning their time, and don’t want anyone else to be a part of it. I tried to resist, but was covered in icy hot and forced to drink coffee until I was uncomfortable. Watch out for them, they suck and will only form a weird friendship with you if you mow their lawn for free and bring them iced tea.
Mean Old People