Diamond Dealers

Now that I have asked Kate to marry me and she has said YES, I can finally write about my experience with the diamond sales people in central Minnesota. Finding the right diamond and engagement ring was an exhillerating experience. Kate and I went to the stores together earlier on, so that I could get an idea of what she liked, after that I was on my own. I was chilled down to my bones when I went back by myself. I entered first, Jared’s Lair of diamonds. They had accidently lost all the information that they had collected from us on our last visit. I strongly suspected that this was because I declined to make a move at their Valentines Day special sale… and they grew sour at me. So as I waited for them to fruitlessly find my information I started to realize that the people around the store were all wearing an extraordinary amount of jewelry, when looked at collectively. I said to myself, “This is a jewelry store, who else would be here other than jewelry lovers.” Then things got nuts, the sales girls started asking me what type of ring I was interested in again. They started bringing out all kinds of rings and diamonds. They explained to me how they handpick only the freshest diamonds from Georgia and how everyone else’s diamonds are rotten. Then it happened. What I thought was another employee, started viciously sinking his teeth into the soft exposed flesh of my sales girl’s shoulder meat. To my surprise my sales gal had a very slow reaction to this abuse and then reacted by snapping her neck towards this gentleman and biting back. (It reminded me of the playful biting of the velociraptors in J.P. (when they bit at eachother)) In a state of fear I fell backward off my stool. When the heavier part of my torso thudded against the carpetted ground, the room fell death silent and I heard a scream more terrible than that of a Nazgul sniffing towards that which rules them all. In this moment of silent stillness I realized I was going to die. This store was filled with human beasts, and with their prey (me) on the floor on its (my) back nearly defenseless, I saw no more tomorrow. All those around started to rush down and towards me with snarls of drool now swinging from their jowls. I heard a jolt, a jolt that sounded much like electricity. I opened my eyes to this odd sound of electric humming and gurgling saliva. The jewelry they were all wearing must have been some sort of electrozap safety device. I climbed to my feet, amongst a room of people seizing to themselves on the floor like crappies on ice. As I walked toward the door, a man with a samsung universal remote in hand walked out of the diamond lab childrens play area and extended his hand to me. “Join me! by carrying my diamonds on you, and you will always be safe in numbers my child.” I pulled my hand away in an attempt to exit this freak show before it could get any worse. As I bolted towards the door I felt a sudden gobbing cold of paralysis and can only remember, between the heavy blinks of my eyes, being held in the arms of white suit. The only thing he did or said was, “Think about it, think about it.”

I awoke in my bed later that afternoon completely convinced that I had been dreaming the whole thing. I was okay until I decided to walk in front of the bathroom mirror, where I saw the white sparkling bite marks of Jared’s Lair on my shoulder.

I waited a few days before I went ring shopping again. When I did, I thought I could find security by taking it easy and visiting a Jewelry establishment inside of the mall. Zales. Zales came with no warning signs, much like a tsunami. As I peered around the well lit glass display case I felt safe. The sales people certainly looked happy and didn’t harass me at all, while I browsed. I continued peering, with the store all to myself. Eventually I did want to take a closer look at a couple of rings. I approached a normal looking man who wore a blue suit with a red tie and said, “hello”. He was already smiling. I said, “Excuse me sir.” He did not break his smile. I reached forward to touch his shoulder and he tipped over. Cardboard Cut out. They all were….

To be continued…..


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