Perhaps the most widely successful television program in history, Roseanne, ended in 1997 after the completion of its ninth and final season. This was a television program that tackled just about every societal issue affecting blue collar families during that span of time. The show was supposed to end with Dan Connor (John Goodman) dying of a heart attack after the eighth season. The show was picked up for another year and they ditched the writers original series ending idea. The ninth season was a terrible patch job to try and and spin another year and more contract money for the never intended extra season. What I am going to do with this show is pretend that the horrible lottery winning ninth season never existed and write out where I think life would have taken each of the characters. These projections are starting after Dan Conner’s (should have been) show ending death; this is what happened in the rest of their lives:
Darlene and David
Darlene and David were married during season 7 and presumably would have chosen to have a life outside of Lanford. Although they couldn’t have moved too far because they would have needed the ability to visit their now widowed mother on a somewhat frequent bases. David’s writing and illustration career goes down the tubes after his graphic novel, The Mom on the Motorcycle, fails horribly. He is sued for plagiarism by the Author of, The Mouse on the Motorcycle, and eventually settles for a job in the Macy’s Men’s Department. His novel starred himself as a lesbian vampire, otherwise it was just the same as Mouse On The Motorcycle. David will sadly deal with sexual harassment all his days at Macy’s from his more masculine high school coworkers. Darlene would have ended up continuously pregnant with the ability to never actually produce a child. She would start out being a rich and successful writer for the cartoon, Two Stupid Dogs, but always would manage to blow all her money on vibrators and black hair dye. Her show would have been canceled and they would remain blue collar goths forever. They would bicker lightly in evenings about pregnancy and family but remain thankful for Darlene’s mysterious pregnancy complex, since they would both be homosexuals and not engage in any intimate tickling or otherwise. They would have a late life divorce after Roseanne dies on her 63rd birthday. They would never find love again, together or otherwise. Well except in toys and masochism.
DJ would have completely abandoned the Conner’s after Dan’s death. There would have been a fight between him, Roseanne and Jackie in the hospital waiting room in the aftermath of the death episode. DJ will claim that all the loudmouth women in their family tried to turn him gay and ruined his fathers happiness. D.J. will spend a year of his life trying to be an auto mechanic carpenter like his father. He will fail at this endeavor and realize that you need more than the outfit to work these jobs. He will have sex with many terrible looking over obnoxious prostitutes before he will leave the state of Illinois. After leaving, he will join the national guard in an attempt to recollect a feeling of masculinity. He would die in the Iraq war from friendly fire. The racist tendencies he displayed in the episode where he wouldn’t kiss a black girl in the school play are what eventually will burn G.I. D.J. At his funeral the only family member that will show up is his brother-in-law David, who has secretly been in love with D.J. since his 11th birthday party. At the funeral, by himself, David will violently cry. He will utter the words, “Make a wish, birthday boy….looks like you will have no girlfriends.” Later that same evening David will steal an all black outfit from Macy’s and break into the Conner House. His plan will be to steal all the pictures of D.J. that Roseanne has in her home. He will fail at this quest, and barely survive a bite to the forehead from Roseanne. He will tell himself, “It’s the way D.J. would have wanted it.”
Mark and Becky
Mark and Becky will remain in the same trailer house in Lanford for the rest of their lives. Mark will earn enough money as an auto mechanic to make his rent check each month. The rest of the money he earns will be dedicated to drinking, sluts and eventually hookers. Becky will gain a lot of weight, which will completely incapacitate her, and she will stop working at hooters. She will force Mark to buy her a really nice recliner for the trailer. She will then say to him, “Now you can leave me here to die, you can dance if you want to.” Mark will take this statement to heart and indulge in everything Lanford has to offer a renegade like himself. They will be the relatives that cause controversy at every holiday spent at Roseanne’s house. Eventually one of Mark’s sluts will get close with him and they will have an exclusive affair right in front of Becky in their trailer. Becky will cry, but no one will ever notice. Mark will accidentally make out with Roseanne on Christmas one year. Roseanne will swear never to tell Becky. Becky’s hobbies other than watching television will be, drawing mustaches in magazines, chain letters and sleeping.
Jackie will move in with Roseanne after Dan’s Death. The move will be originally meant as short term, but will end up being life long. Jackie will continue the decline into ugliness as we had witnessed during the actual syndication of the show. Eventually she will have shaved her whole head, and started dressing in men’s wear from fleet farm exclusively. She will continue her career at, The Lunch Box, as a waitress and part owner. Jackie will eventually drop the ie, and become Jack. She will maintain a normal vagina, but spend many years experimenting with injectable male hormones. She will blame her mother for everything, and rant on and on about how her father hit her once as a child.
Roseanne will take the death of Dan very badly for many years. She will seldom leave her residence and stop talking to her mother. After about a year of mourning she will become chronically addicted to masturbating. She will be madly in love with her lesbian friend Nancy, but never say anything. She will begin her writing career, but unlike on the show, will write saucy incestuous romance novels. After she grabs a niche online following, she will abandon her career as a writer and murder her former Lunch Box partner Leon. Leon’s life insurance policy will afford Roseanne full control over the lunch box and she will turn it into a motorcycle repair shop and give it to her son-in-law Mark, as a reward for making out with her on Christmas. Roseanne’s mother will also be murdered for the purpose of avenging Dan’s death. Roseanne will remember, in a pill induced haze, all the mean things her mother had implied regarding Dan. She will stage the murder to look like a lesbian accident. Her mother ironically willed everything she had, to Roseanne. Sitting well financially, Roseanne will constantly invite all of her friends over to play poker and use pretzels and snack foods as poker chips. She will always laugh and pull all the food toward her at the end of the game while she scarishly laughs above the Blues Traveler soundtrack she plays in her kitchen during the games.
Will remain happily deceased.