If you are alive in this world today and between the ages of 18 and 80 you HAVE struggled with finding a career and done what many call, “Job Hunting.” (minus people who have those oh so lucky “hook ups” or Money on their side) (fuck you guys!) This hunt naturally consists of starting with a Google keyword search consisting of a subject you enjoy, followed by the word “jobs”. Examples of this are, “Football Jobs”, “Video Jobs”, “Outdoors Jobs”, “Writing Jobs”, “Dinosaur Jobs”, or “Any Fucking Jobs”. This strategy eventually leads you toward starting online memberships with Careerbuilder, MonsterJobs, Jobsin, Blojobs, Beyondjobs etc… it becomes increasingly annoying to swim through this garbage in a world where there are virtually are no jobs, not to mention they have more links and pop ups than porn sites (computer pop ups). Some of them even demand you pay a subscription fee. I love how people are profiting off this shit. If paying five dollars a month makes better candidates and better jobs, we’re beyond fucked already.
What punches the privates harder is the amount of colleges and universities flashing their jugs before every job description, forcing us to have to un-check a box and click “no thank you, continue to posting” . If you want to use the net to find a job you will work at Enterprise-Rent-A-Car as a management trainee (where they give you the tools to be your own boss) or mistakenly join the National Guard. Yeah, you are risking your life.
The newspapers rarely offer shit, except that they constantly have over 14,000 adult videos for sale in the classifieds. You gotta think there is an avenue to make some money there, but who wants to carry around a gentleman’s pistol and waste the trunk space.
“Anyways…” (said in Ellen DeGeneres’s voice), (back to regular voice) most of these places (online advertised employers) hate it when you actually call them to follow-up on an app, and have no clue what to do. “Please refer to the website for all employment information.” Seldom helpful.
If you are really aggressive you go to networking events. Yes, these are events where a few employers with fewer jobs awkwardly mingle and present to a room full of work-desperate weirdos who are awkwardly vying to look important, speak loudly and try to sound more intelligent than they actually are. If you play your cards just right, I mean perfectly, you may get the orgy invite at the end. That’s one of the few things you can count on in this world, every networking event has at least one desperate swinger fishing for trout. The online chat room style networking is worse, never click on the web-cam chat.
(Observation) How many Physicians with 10+ years of experience are reading six pages deep on Careerbuilder? We are a generation of young adults who won’t even get a taste before the hopelessness is broken down in the jejunum. I thought we at least were supposed to get old before we turned sour. I think we can relate to young adults during the depression in this way. Except we have more actual depression, more cell phones, less freedom and less of a cavalier old west influence. Thus far my expensive education(s) have done absolutely nothing (excitedly meaningful) for me except harass me about donating money so the cycle can continue and younger competition can be created. I say close up shop before we keep pumping out more of these educated kids, they make it that much harder for the rest of us. Throughout an almost five-year struggle to obtain even a piece of the false promises of opportunity, we have been fed our entire lives, I have theorized about a better way to job hunt.
This advice is revolutionary like if P90 X workouts, Bowflexes and Shakeweights mated in a three-way. Think of Job Hunting more like real hunting. Would you ever schedule shooting a Pheasant a month in advance, by calling the pheasant and making a date? No you wouldn’t. Pheasants are also incapable of carrying cell phones. So to give you some legs:
1. Don’t set an interview, just show up at a time that you think you can catch an employer by complete surprise and force your way into meeting with them. (use force or charm, depends on what kind of hunter you are)
i.e. (plans will vary, this situation is for training purposes)
Int. Receptionists Desk. 4:45PM, Fri.
You (camouflaged as a repairman, with tool belt and clipboard) : Hello I’m here to speak with Mr. Boss we just talked, he knows I’m coming in! (act grumpy, like you’re busy and Mr. Boss made you come here)
You confidently walk right by. (Stare directly at the bridge of the receptionists nose, this will disorient them)
Receptionist: Uh (forced to trust you and shut their mouth)
Int. Mr. Boss’s Office.
You: (suavely) Hello Mr. Boss, Ironically I’m not here to fix anything.
At this point you take off your outer outfit to reveal a business suit featuring the most powerful power tie ever conceived. Note (you may want to practice different ways of taking off your outer layer of clothes, this could be dependent upon research you’ve done on Mr. Boss. You may deduce that tear aways may be more impressive; a seductive strip may do the trick; or a casual take off, as if you were changing in a locker room.
Mr. Boss: (speechless) Uh, excuse me?
You Ace the interview by impressively declaring your intentions and qualifications all the while keeping a look in your eye that strikes blazing fire into the heart of any soul daring enough to gaze upon it.
Mr. Boss: Yes Sir, you’re hired.
2. Many times during an interview mention how you are extremely wealthy (even if you aren’t). People trust and like rich people much more than poor people. This will build a sense of security and “safeness” around you, that money “can” buy. When people believe you are rich, good things come your way. Think about how much free stuff celebrities get. Also convincing someone you are rich classically has worked for scoring chicks, getting business loans, more free samples, better treatment in stores and almost anything you can think of around this place. Trickery is a big part of hunting anything.
3. Decoys. When you go duck or goose hunting you set up many dozen plastic fake geese around you to draw birds within firing range. If you want a certain job bad enough, get as many of your friends as you can to apply to it as well. Then they can purposely be complete assholes in their interviews and cover letters to make you stand out as a legendary candidate. If you don’t have many friends, disguises and pseudonyms will suffice. At least apply twice and spell your last name slightly differently one of the times. Double your odds!
4. Scent. The olfactory glands are like secret weapons, they can be used to turn a person into a complete zombie if used correctly. You have probably read lazy advice like; brush your teeth before an interview, don’t smoke before an interview, if you must wear a cologne or perfume use it in moderation etc… I can tell you right now, throw this advice out the window. There is an exact scent each person subconsciously wants to smell, which can be used against them. You might find that a little McDonald’s and bourbon on your breath could seal the deal. Do a little recon to figure this out.
5. Be selective. Sometimes you might be catching crappies left and right. If this is the case you gotta throw the small ones back right away. Don’t apply to a lot of jobs. The inevitable outcome is that you will get one that don’t really want and 10 months down the road you will be looking for a way out. Spend time at the casino building up cash supplies to support yourself until the right job comes along.
6. If you are going to a career fair, don’t waste your time dressing up and walking around. Create a fake company, rent a space and set up your own booth for people to come to you. Deck out your booth with shit to bring the employers to you. I mean snacks and free pens. At least 85% percent of them will be floored with your ingenuity. If all else fails you can offer out some unpaid internships to people who are hot.
7. Entitlement. Remember you own yourself. Live with a sense of power. If you get a rejection letter in the mail, Photoshop edit it to be an acceptance letter. Then you can show up at the company and play the odds that they won’t know what to do and end up hiring you in the confusion.
8. Take em! At the end of the interview demand that they give you the job.
(Interview is concluding, they always ask if you have any further questions)
You: Is there anything further about me that you would need to know before making an offer? Excellent, well I am going to make an offer to you. I have a few other options I’m considering, but this is where I want to be. Why don’t we stop wasting our time and everyone else’s. Give me this job. I’m Bo Jackson mixed with Dr. House, literally they are my parents, and will fit in well here. Anyone can look good on paper, but how many applicants put you against the ropes like this?
(during this time there will be a short pause of uncertainty)
You: I will accept your silence as confirmation. Good day, see you Monday.
Walk out proudly, on the way out adjust something in the office. Anything. A picture on the wall, a plant or even a framed diploma. This will show your attention to detail even more and erase any change of heart the hiring agent may have later developed.
(if at any point during the interview you are asked to leave, say “Candyass” under your breath just loud enough for them to hear it)
If you have read this far, I’m sure your hired. Good Job.