Fun with dear old Ann

Dear Ann: My husband (age 68) got all excited when he read about that Viagra pill. He has been dead as a doornail for five years. His doctor said it would be OK for him to take the pill, but not to expect miracles. Well, so far, nothing has changed regarding his “condition,” but he is wearing me out trying to prove that he is a frisky young colt again.

Please tell those smart-aleck scientists and those big drug companies to work on a cure for cancer instead, and quit ruining the lives of millions of women who have earned a rest. Thank you. — No Name in Abilene, Kan.

Dear Ab: You told ’em, but don’t be surprised if nobody listens. While you may not be thrilled with your husband’s renewed interest in sex, let me assure you that a great many women are grateful for Viagra, and have written to say so.

WM: Don’t kid yourself Ab, your husband is obviously on the brink of leaving you after all these years. The sex panther pills are his way of trying to shoot some excitement back into the relationship and his life. If it wasn’t getting into your dusty pants, it could easily be the intro of, “Murder She Wrote” on replay in the windows media player or golf trips to prostitutes in Sin City. I’d also like to know, specifically!, what you mean by the word “rest” and exactly what you did to earn it. The opinion I am forming about you is this; Your husband after many years of a boring marriage wants to do something to feel young again. He is taking pills so that watering the bushes can mean more than the yard work he so cares about. You on the other hand look at the general living of your life as a taxing process which has earned you the right to die before you actually die. My advice to you is this, if you aren’t willing to pump some air into those tires and take the old bike for a ride on a rainy day you have to come up with something else to rejuvenate your marriage. I’ll give  you a few ideas, but ultimately you will need to make a trip to your local adult book store.

1) Take all of your prescriptions and his prescriptions, pour them into a bowl. Mix them up good and then repackage them into your daily pill boxes at random. Next, you will want to always take your medications with a shot of Irish whiskey and rejoin the shuffle board league at the country club.

2) Convince every sixth house in your community to install a golf green in their front yards and start a neighborhood golf course. Spend your time at the Lion’s club telling everyone that all the broken windows are from punk kids.

3) Try to conceive another child, this will easily fill your time and it will be fun.

The comment you made about scientist’s being smart aleck’s interests me, I suppose some might be. I’d also imagine that the one’s perfecting the formula for Viagra might be more smart alecky than the ones inventing the cure for cancer. I can imagine them sitting around the lab table cracking dry jokes about sex and incompetence, starting with things like why did the penis cross the road. Where as it’s nearly impossible imagining cancer scientists cracking that many jokes.

Dear Ann: You printed a letter from “Needs Help in Cape Cod,” whose daughter is a compulsive spender. I hope it’s not too late to respond. I sympathize with those parents, because their child sounds just like my husband.

“Trent” cannot resist buying things, whether or not he needs them or can afford them. This compulsion has landed him in plenty of hot water. Last year, he leased a car and then purchased another. He ended up making car and insurance payments for two cars when he could barely afford one.

So far, we’ve been fortunate.

We haven’t lost our home, nor has anything major been repossessed, but I know it could still happen. I realize my husband is a “spend-a-holic.” Another member of my family is an alcoholic, and I attend Al-Anon meetings regularly. As a result of what I have learned at those meetings, I no longer bail my husband out of his financial messes. When he asks me to sign for a loan or give him money, I politely refuse. And I have learned not to argue with him about his spending because it accomplishes nothing.

Tell those parents in Cape Cod to stop bailing their daughter out. I know it’s very difficult for them to see their child drowning and not try to “save” her, but the girl needs to learn responsibility. If her parents insist that she cut up her credit cards and get counseling for her spending addiction, it won’t be a permanent cure. She must want it for herself. I wish her luck. — Voice of Experience in Colorado

Dear V.O.E.: Thank you for sitting in my chair today. I could not have said it better. I hope those Cape Cod parents see your letter, and that their daughter is equal to the challenge.

WM: YO! V.O.E., I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ve seen this before. “Trent” and the chick in Cape Cod are totally doing it. Why do you think he needs that second car. It’s a gift to her. He did it to show her how miraculous of a compulsive spender he is. I wouldn’t be too alarmed about the money side of this either. The news keeps saying you gotta spend your way out of a recession. If he and his she keep at it this whole problem will work itself out. If I were you I’d just make a lot of ambiguous comments that might indicate you are on to the affair, just to keep everyone on edge. I also wouldn’t be surprised if this alcoholic family member is interfering with the repo guys right in your front lawn. The exciting thing about alco’s is their use of scare tactics. I can think of one good thank you gift, booze. I’d imagine he always tries to do and say really sweet things for people around the holidays to make up for all the voice mails he leaves that are riddled with curse words and laughing throughout the rest of the year. I had to look Al-anon. I thought it was an abbreviated form of AA and I was wondering if you were drunk when you wrote your letter. I found it was some sort of family support group though. These are probably wonderful ways to feel like your not alone. I would just be careful about them though as many functions of this sort breed more bad behavior. It runs on the idea that prisons make more criminals than they reform and sex-aholic meetings facilitate easy hook ups.

Take Care.

Ann Landers Letters borrowed from Creators Syndicate, Ann Landers Archive


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