disclaimer: Ron is a fictional individual dreamed up over the last 8 or so minutes and inspired by ficitonal people who would choose to remain anonymous if they knew who they were.
Wow!!! :) What an indiscriminate span of some time. Some of the most amazing moments of everyone’s lives came to fruition this time around. I’m not sure if it is customary in the span of one week, but lets just say that multiple families memories have been erased or tarnished, and we have finally figured out what real “lake people” are and why they are a dangerous sort. It is always quite amazing living through life’s domestic and mundane moments and posting them on my facebook wall. I was able to quit AA thanks to the reassurance I get from reading about everyone’s illnesses, hangovers and weekend excitements on that wonderful wall of news. We appreciate you all so much. Here are random babies.
The weekend began as normal with with several zero sugar Rock Stars and half a pack of Camels. We soon felt ready to hit the road and sing along with slut phase Miley. After that we wasted some money on generalities and reaffirmed to ourselves how we were better than homeless people; in not just some ways, but in every way.
It was a fine day when we arrived at Bill and Jenny’s for some Christmas in July. We witnessed a silent and not silent fight between Bill’s parents. At the dinner table, snide comments were made back in forth in this manner.
Blinky: How are the beans did they come out alright?
Sue: (under her breath) Always with the attention.
Blinky: What was that?
Sue: Oh nothing, I didn’t say anything.
Blinky: Fuck you Sue.
The only sound at the table, for approximately four minutes, was the sound of the five other diners plastic forks cutting steaks and moving from noodle salad to teeth.
Bill: You will be happy to hear Jenny finished her nursing class last week.
For roughly two minutes Blinky and Sue make competitive comments regarding who cares more. Ending with:
Sue: Well Blinky, she still has two more classes.
Blinky: I’m just saying it’s never too early to start applying…
Sue: Goddammit Blinky, just be happy for them.
No one else talked the rest of dinner, so I went to the bathroom and pooped to kill some time. While pooping I read a craft book that explained how to make loose dog hair into a sweater.
Later on we played an unfriendly game of dodge ball with their family and left when a window was broken on the garage. I hadn’t seen a 33 year old cry over something like that until now.
The car ride to Vanessa’s party was much more mundane, and her family was only home for a few moments once we arrived. That was a shame because I barely know them and feel awkward around them every time I reintroduce myself and and tell them where I grew up. We were able to get the dogs toe nails clipped on Friday which is a godsend. We haven’t been happy with the demeanor of the old man we pay to cut Roofies nails, but we are left with few options for cosmetic dog care past midnight. The party was nice with 12 guests dancing to Dave Matthew’s played on the loud volume setting on Billy’s laptop. Billy is “really into” getting his guitar out and playing for the guests once his limited selection of music is over. He only knows three songs that have already been played on his computer and he stumbles through them while the rest of decide we want to stop drinking so we can drive out of this mess later. *Billy does this because one time a girl who told him she dug musicians promised him sex, but then left with another guy. Billy doesn’t give up.
As we left Vanessa and Billy’s 2nd cousins lake house we had to stop because the neighbors trailer was blocking the driveway. So as we stood out there in the drive and finished the other half of those camels, we talked and slapped mosquitoes. Through the window of the neighbors cabin we watched an old man sit in a chair and pick at one of his ears for a suspicious amount of time. We did this until he lifted a pistol off the table and checked the chamber. We then walked out of his view, because that is random and scary. Later we gave up and went back inside, to Vanessa and Billy’s surprise, to tell them we were waiting for a trailer to move and had just been waiting outside all this time. They both seemed really nervous and somehow already had the whole party cleaned up. Billy went next door to talk to the old man. We thought about his fate. We heard the old man yelling that he had been asleep for four hours and was mad about this blasphemy. He pulled his truck forward any way, but he didn’t put a shirt on to do it.
All in all I can say it was an amazing weekend and we are over joyed spending it with friends and loved ones.