Facebook… Apocalypse Please

I lit a match and burned some Twins tickets while recovering from being sick and studying for finals before going to the lake cabin where I snapped photos of little kids presumably my nieces and nephews right before I yelled at them and then said happy birthday to a lot of people and posted uninteresting accounts of my life via blogs all before making some comment about how the weekend is almost here so that I can make another about hating Mondays and anticipating Winter so I can make posts about snowfall to balance the comments I later will make about Spring and running several thousand miles while also preparing to get drunk and then tell everyone about hang overs.

Whoring yourself around for what little attention your bore can get you. A summation in the year of Facebook is as predictable as it is stomach emptying. Cold, twins, heat, illness, vacations, cabin weekends and runners. It never ceases to amaze me how much we love to hear ourselves talk and hope that everyone else thinks we are adorable, or at least cares about every hanging breathe we blow out of our cow barf snouts. General definition and commentary.

Facebook Illness: Comments that may or may not reflect a real illness. This is probably one of the cheapest ways I see people vy for replies in the Facebook world. Generally considered a sympathy move  to get in on the action. You can kindly respond with a wall post, “Oh no, feel better” or “Eat someone elses puke, no one cares”.

Minnesota Twins: If you haven’t seen the new stadium in person go on Facebook. Everyone and their dog has posted their experience at Target Field this year. People often feel the television coverage of the Twins isn’t good enough and add to it by taking pictures and publically posting them on Facebook. Except these are shitty pics all taken from one seat in the outfield (and also everyone sitting in that golden glove I am raising money to have removed). Many people also like to announce when they are going to the game. My experience was being behind a woman in line while waiting to get a beer. This women didn’t have enough money to pay for all the food she was trying to buy for her and her kid, so I paid the rest of her tab. I then lowered down to one knee and told the child his mom didn’t love him enough to get him more snacks later. You can kindly reply with, “OOO I’m so jealous, have fun blinky”. *Unrelated side note, fat poor people is the answer to its own question.

Seasons: If Sven Sundegaard standing on his little podium or “meteorological height correction device” isn’t cutting it for you, check Facebook. You may find a rival to the farmers almanac by reading everyone’s obvious comments about the weather. They usually appear as, “10 inches of snow!:)(” or “Spring is here!!!”. You can kindly reply with, “No really?” or “Holy shit, the rest of us didn’t notice”.

Study/Work: The process of basically posting ones work schedule on Facebook by making comments reflecting when you work, how long you’ve worked, when you get off and go back. This also applies to studying or anything someone generally is desperate for some merit over. I will pose this question, “If you brought your work schedule to a party would anyone care to read it?” The answer is no as long as you are generally a no one in the scheme of global fame… When you are on Facebook don’t reply to these sickos, they will probably take it as a “courting” move.

Weekends: Everyone loooooooves oh my gaawd! to tell the world what they are doing on their days off. Being the misanthrope that I am, I just don’t get it. Facebook is a scary place. It is this way because we all went through that phase where we said yes to every friend request and realized that some people who you used to know now are suffering some serious brainicainal malfunctions. Did you know that 3 in every 20 murders is a high school acquaintance Facebook stalking incident? Back to the point, umm? Oh yeah, no one cares. Unless you have been real world included, it’s not interesting.

Vacation: This may be the real reason for the 500 million Facebook members. We all want to see old friends and acquaintances in their swimsuits so we can gossip about who got fat and who got hot. This is by my evaluation of why we even have Facebook.

Working Out/Running: I apologize in advance, but it is so lame posting, before and after, workouts and jogs that your, “Heading to the gym”, “Ran 3 miles Yay”, “Just got done with a killer work out”. Unless you have a six-pack or breast implants and are posting the pics, no one cares. Sometimes people post this in an attempt to score a mate on the most basic of levels. So what they mean is, ” Hey I’m physically able to do a minimal amount of activity, I can probably reproduce.” Just know if any gender has to constantly update people on their work outs, they are probably lying and not working out at all.

Babies: Posting pictures of your baby isn’t bad. It’s all the sappy annoying comments everyone makes. ” I love my nephew more than I love sunrises” ? “Wall Post on 10 walls if you want to (insert weird unfamiliar disease).” You can always comment, “Your tetanus.”

Game Players: Facebook has these boring games. Farm ville, Mob Fights and some other weird stuff. As a gamer I highly recommend people who enjoy these get and original game boy with the link cord and buy Pokemon. These games are of horrible caliber. Plus when you look at how much time and effort some of these wieners are expending, it’s frightening. When you see someone racking stats, kindly post, “Get a fucking life.” “Thanks for inviting me into your barn…what does this mean?”

That’s the end for this year in Facebook. I’m certain I’ll keep Facebook for another year, just so I can tell Kate how stupid so and so has become etc… For the record, no one networks on Facebook, it won’t get you a job, Zuckerberg got extremely lucky on this one and no one really cares about you. Say cool stuff, so basically not about your life’s mundanities.

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