There you go dear… Mall pains

How should you  feel about  retail women using terms of endearment at the point of sale. I’m sure, like many things, this is an issue that very few people even notice. The situation I am referring to is at mall stores when you are buying something and the little sales girl constantly refers to you as “dear”, “sweetie” or “hun”. Make no mistake this happens quite often, and the younger the umm… well whatever the hell you call someone who works at a retail store sales floor, the worse it seems to get. Before I keep going, what do you call them? sales person? associate? clerk? retail specialist? lost interest.

There’s something about a chubby 17-year-old girl in black drab with an intense perfumed aroma calling me dear 4 times while I compare discount rack, long underwear shirts that creates awkward discomfort. It’s like she’s testing me. It is similar to when teenagers call their parents by their first names… like, “Hey Leon, pass the broccoli.” And they are talking to their dad and he makes a disappointed face. Or when someone is trying to get chummy with their boss and they try to slip in a, “Hey ‘Mikey’ hows the numbers looking this month?” Then the boss says, “Refer to me as Mr. Brokli Please!!” Then it’s really weird until the worker goes back to the break area and blends in with the rest of the people again.

Is this a version of a sales dick tease? Is it a psychological trick for me to associate this person with someone who cares for me? Is a complete stranger saying, “there ya go hun” when I’m standing around manikins all it takes in this world to gain a personal relationship? There are goddamn rules about this stuff! You don’t go on one date with a hot babe and start calling her sweetypoo. You gotta put time into these names. If you date a girl 1 to 8 times and try to say, “Goodbye Honey” you will be instantly dumped even if things were going swimmingly. She will say “oh gross” and then back off in a way that says she is uncertain of your next move and then turn and run when she gets kinda far from you. Then she will tell the whole girl community that you were creeping and you will go at least 16 months without sex. There are definite time rules regarding these names and pushy little sales gals can’t get around them.

On the other hand, they might have fallen in love with  you while they were helping. It happens. If she’s worth it, ask her for help in the underwear section or forget to latch the door on the dressing room and let it accidentally pop open at the perfect moment. If you don’t like them that much, write down the cologne you were wearing because it helped, and don’t buy anything…so they don’t get mixed signals.

In reality, if I went around work calling women dearie or sweetie all the time someone would eventually call me chauvinistic and I would get in trouble. Probably just a verbal, but still it would be awkward for all parties forever after. Like in the break room we would always have to look each other and think, “remember when I had to get you yelled at for calling me peaches…” I guarantee that would happen. So for men this could be a horrible mistake. Not to mention male sales guys can’t call people dear or sweetie, regardless of their orientation. So civil rights issue.

As a defense, when you start saying it back to them, you can see the offense building in their shiny, glittered little eyes. Those little bitches can dish it out, but they sure can’t take it. Get into a word war. If she says dear, you say baby. If she says hun, you say cheese tits. Just keep calling her a term that is one step further until you are at a level of cushy tush or just bluntly saying things randomly like boobs, private parts etc… See where it goes. Or you can ignore it.


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